I can't clean....

I never though those words would pass my lips!  I can't clean.  The house is in an uproar; shit everywhere! I've got boxes of towels and boxes of perfume - and everything in between!  Oh damn it sucks...  Moving house sucks!

Ahh but this time I can put a nail in the wall.  I can not like the hedges that they put in and plant lilies!  I can paint!  And when something goes wrong, I'll fix it!  It's mine!

Gone are the real estate agents; and I've had some doozies in the fifteen years I've been up here.  Some real pieces a work! And now.... they are no longer.  Well after I make sure I get my bond and a months rent (minus the re-letting fees!)

They can damn well carry me out in a box next time!  I refuse to move!!!

That's all folks...

I had to go into work this morning for a "meeting".  HR were there, along with my boss and a back to work person.  My union rep got stuck in traffic and didn't make it...

The guts of it was that I am to resign or they'll do a "separation" through different channels.  For my mind, I suspect a resignation will be more pleasant and the lawyer thought that was an okay thing. This way, they'll work out a measly payment and pay me off; wash their hands of me.
Not even a farewell.  And I've been there for eleven years...

My boss was the first the point out that they had gone above and beyond keeping me around for this long and that they could cut me loose without a cent.

Of course he forgets that I've used my sick pay, holiday pay and long service leave and they have only just started funding my 8 hours a week - (which stopped 5 seconds after starting).

I was in a 100k job.
That is all gone.
It's all gone because I went to my own hospital for an operation.
Sigh.

Oh well....
What's next?

Yummy! Breakfast out!

Today, with two weeks until I move, I went to take my Trudy Cook stamp art, a big cross, to the picture framer.  It fell off a disposable hook in the house I hate and chipped the frame. Just one more reason to dislike it.  

I've spent the last few years moving. Quigley and I moved to Glen Waverley and because I couldn't stand that kid, I moved to Ormond. There I had rats as big as dogs. So I move again; this time with my brain in lock down - I was almost a labotomy case.  But I'm finished moving. Done. They'll be carrying me out of there in a box!

The Ormond Provedore... Yummy!

I'll miss how many yummy places I've found to eat....

Ouch. This house is horrible...

Try as I may, I just can't seem to love this house.  I don't even like it.  The bathroom has the weird divide down it to cut the shower into another room.  Trouble is, the person doing the cutting was obviously as thin as a rail... and I'm not.  It's strictly breath in time when showering! And that isn't even going through the kitchen which is as old as time.

The only thing it has going for it is floorboards; and that isn't much considering they're so old they need the vacuum every day!   If I steam them, I squeak when I walk.

And it's cold, no matter how hot is outside.

You may ask why I'm at this place...  Well, my son and daughter picked it. We just needed to move out of the rat infestation of Ormond and I was knee deep in my brain so I just let them pick it.  Sigh!

21 days and counting...

Back home again....

Sigh.  I am back home in Melbourne again.  I can't help it.  These days I feel a sense of peace to be in St Leonards.  It's beautiful, but a different kind of beauty to Melbourne.  There are no skyscrapers, just a sprawling bit of the country that does not even have footpaths!  And to me, it feels like home.

My brother and sister in law moved there today; my mother already lives there.  As for me, I won't be far from there.  But I have the best of both worlds.  I have footpaths lol, and I can walk to the city of Geelong.  I'll walk the dog or ride my bike there, or maybe when I get better at it.  I fell of it today and took out both my knees and my finger is bloody painful...

It's only 23 days until I move.  I'm figuring I'll have to cull some stuff from here because there is no way known that all the stuff in the garage, is going to fit on any God damned truck!!  And that doesn't stop to think about what is in the house!

Friday night...

This morning I left Melbourne and came to Geelong; I do that every chance I get now. I'm staying at my Mum's; just until I get my own house!

That would be about 25 days now...

So I come down here partly to keep Mum company, and partly to bring things down that I'll need before the removalists truck gets here. 3 baskets of cleaning stuff have made it lol. Brain damage hasn't robbed me of that at least!

In 25 days I'm going to get back to cooking too... I'm already planning the things I'm going to cook!

Oh well... Next!

I'm trying to find a job that I will enjoy; that I will feel like I'm contributing.  Hell, even washing up dishes you're contributing to something!  A clean kitchen!

I'm not rushing, just meandering.  I don't know what else I'd do.  I've been a project manager for so long now that I'm not sure how to be anything else.  And being that, isn't working.  My brain, stupid thing, can only do one thing at a time these days.  Before my "brain surgery"; oh, I could do ten things...

Hell; even thinking about it makes me exhausted.  I think I'll just get moved and then Christmas out of the way first.  But I'll have to find a job soon; either that or I'll go mad...

Coffee! Nectar of the Gods!

Well work may not want me for a while but it's giving me a chance to sun bake (with block out) and sample the coffee in Oakleigh. I haven't got long to do this; 27 days and I'm out of here!

Goodbye to the crap relationships! Goodbye to the coffee!  And hello to the push bike and dog!  I bought a bike on the weekend.  Dog is coming as soon as I get there.  And I can't wait.  I'll miss Oakleigh though... And their magnificent coffee!!

It's Beautiful...

I'm down the coast sitting in a small cafe. It's isolated, in that there isn't anything for miles around; yet it's full. I figure the coffee is good!

I can't help thinking that I've done the right thing in moving here.  Slower paced lifestyle.  

The only sad part of this move is that I ended it with Quigley.  I got tired of always coming last... On the bottom of the totem pole.  If you love someone, really love them; you want... No need to be with you.

He didn't.

Moving House !!!

Well you take a few months off, and look what happens.

I bought a house.

Its not a really fancy house, just a three bedroom on a block of land... but here the thing; it's in Geelong.

I'm going home.  Back where I belong you might say.  Where there are no trams; no millions of people.  No loneliness with everyone consumed with their own life.  

I've loved living in Melbourne, but that was the old me.  The me that could work all the time and when not at work, skylark with my friends.

The me that could think....  That didn't struggle to find the words.

I think I can be happy here!!!  With a bike; and a dog.  A garden....

I've bought the bike.  The garden is finished with the house and the dog will come!

Time to get with the program...

The time has come to get with the program.  I'm sick to death of staying home, the "brain damaged" girl and not living my life.  So what if I'm on my own!  Woo hoo!  Men are highly over rated anyhow.

My boss, who basically just said take 6 months leave; do something that you like, that you always wanted to do!  Your job will be here.

And so now my brain is in overdrive.

What did I always want to do..?

I wanted to travel, but I have to hang on the every cent I make for fear of ...  I don't know what, but it worries me!  I want a house; more than anything else at the moment!  I'm drawing up what it is going to look like.  Well drawing it up in some pre-school fashion lol.  Making notes in my phone such as "red splashback"; and a whole lot of meaningless stuff such as that.

Trouble is, I can't afford a house.  Well not yet.  And I don't want to buy one until I can move and live in it; revel in the fact that I've got a house.  Do the gardening...  walk the dog that I don't have at the moment!  I never really even wanted a dog!  They smell....  Or I thought they did.  Now I see that the dog and I will live a blissful life down the coast.  Walking the beach; riding to where ever we go!

And this is the thing that people don't see.  I'm different.  I can't even say mellow.  I'm changed; altered.  I haven't lost my temper since waking in the hospital and not knowing my name.  I'm not longer judgmental; about everything and everyone.  I don't see and feel jealous, or hate; instead I look and wonder about everybody.  People I wouldn't have given a shit about!  Fat, thin, ugly, beautiful people - all have something!

If I wasn't brain damaged, didn't have this inability to think straight, I think I would be very happy with the person I've become.

Action packed weekend...

Well suffice to say I have to start a new diet.  I had an action packed weekend, where I ate my head off; and yummy stuff too!  Salami, cheese, more cheese!!!  But this week I'm serious.  No more eating.  Dieting.  Exercise!

I walked for five kilometres yesterday, and I felt okay.  But that was in the morning.

Coming home after that, because I was hungover, I jumped into bed and watched Mad Men.  I stayed in there, only coming out to get food and have a shower before slinking back to watch more of it.  I think I did about 8 episodes yesterday and last night.

That was all in preparation for a diet!  Today's diet!

So I got up and weighed myself this morning.  I've gained about 8 kilos in 7 months.  Now I've got to lose them.  Quit drinking.  Get fit.  In time for summer.

Shed my winter coat!!!!

:( Still not losing...

I went on a diet.

The trouble is going out for dinner several times throughout the week; which in turn, makes dieting bloody difficult.  It wouldn't be so bad, but the food is absolutely yummy!

I took my Mother out for dinner to the French Corner Cafe.  Mandy and David are always fun and Saturday night was no different!  David forced us to try a soup and it was magnificent, especially when you happened across the feta!  Of course, he forced us because I had picked eye fillet and didn't want anything to get in the way!

Then, Sunday came around and it was up early and driving back to Melbourne.  Sigh!
Through the rain and hail and back home to a freezing house.

I went to the Caravan Club Sunday afternoon to see Billy Miller do the Beatles with a table full of people.  It was fabulous!  They put their own flavour on the Beatles but sheez, you can miss it when you know every song!  Then we stumbled down the road and in through this carpark to a restaurant.  I lived in Oakleigh for a long time but didn't even know this place existed!  A fine end to a great day.

I don't know why but my house stayed cold, but it was colder than I've felt it, even with the extra blubber on!

Well the count is on... But not on...

I went on a diet yesterday.  I lasted until about 6 ish when I got home and started to think about dinner.  The boy's girlfriend came around and so we tossed and turned about what to eat; mentioning the diet and then glossing over it.

Well I had been to boxing so I figured what the hell!  I dieted all day! Of course that is easier for his girlfriend; she's got one of those "eat what you like" figures; like a praying mantis lol, the girl and I are not so lucky.

Finally, I made pizza dough and on my way out the door to boxing, left strict instructions for the boy to light the pizza oven.  It's an outdoor type that uses wood and allows you to cook your masterpieces with all manor of toppings!

So off to boxing I went; got a sweat up and I had walked twice through the day!

Okay.  So I guess it is still on?  The trick with dieting is sticking to it; even if you stuff up!   :)

Oh. How. Hard...!!!

It has come to my attention, that getting out of bed in the morning and going to work is tough.  So damned hard!  This thought has been with me for a while now; a month or two.  All I want to do is hide my fuller carcass away.  Eat yourself stupid and you to can wallow in self pity forever!!

Ok.  That is enough!  Stop eating.  Stop drinking.  Work hard on getting well again.  Only six more months and I can start to see light again!  Six months!

I'm going to stop wallowing.  Start cooking.  Gardening.  Enjoy being on my own.
Design a house..  Even if I don't use it!  Exercise!

And lose the 5 kilo I just put on.  :(

Stop the world... I want to get off!

Okay.  I want a house.

I've made no secret of that fact; I made no secret of it when the Squeeze was around but that wasn't something he was interested in.  Still, waking up in a hospital, and not knowing your name causes you to question, well everything,

So a house is my number one priority.  I decided I liked 'old', but that means a heap of upkeep that I don't think I'm up for!  There is nothing like swanning around a place, sitting in a window or out of the return veranda like Lady Muck!
Sipping mint juleps!!

But old is out.  If I can't buy an old place that has been magnificently done up, its out.

Hmmm, what am I going to do..?  I could look in a new estate; I mean everything is shiny and new!  Everything!!  You don't walk around at night and become two centimeters taller cause of the dust caked on your feet!

There is only one trouble with wanting a house at this moment.  I don't know where I want it!  If I stay here in Melbourne then it is pricey; not to mention the fact that I want to be back with my family.  In a familiar surrounds.  Where even I can't get lost going to town!

And all of my friends are up here...  Except for Annie and my family!  And how do I know that anyone would come visit me.  Hell, I'm lonely now!!!

Oh boy; the reality....

Okay.  I don't know a lot about brain damage.  From what I've read, aphasia can be 100% corrected - if they use the right things and if you get it in time.

I'm still waiting to see if I fit in the 100%. Mostly, it feels as if I wan't to shut myself away and yell every so often.  Of course you need money to live like a recluse.  That I don't have if I don't work.

Oh... the joys!

Back at work... Well kind of...

Today I am back at work again.  As much as I hate the alone time of a weekend, I hate to live the 'stupid time' of work as well.  My mind just doesn't hold anything.  I think it captures it just fine; its hanging onto it that doesn't work.  Not bad considering I'm a Project Manager for one of Victoria's largest health services.

This morning the women from the insurance company calls me (she is actually very nice).  I am up stairs getting a coffee; all I have is my phone when she tells me that she is making my payment and if I had the June payslip and could email her, she would organise June to be in there as well.

So I asked her if she could email me that...
Okay.  She probably thinks I'm a total doofus.  I mean I'm going to forget it between the stairs and the short walk to my office; not likely!

I get my coffee, go downstairs and back to my office and I'm surprised to find an email from her on me desktop!  Looks like I know myself!!!  Jesus!  This is so stupid!

Sunday... Hope it doesn't last too long!

I know that everyone is supposed to love Sundays.  Absolutely adore them!  But I just can't, not lately.

I get up Sunday morning and think about who do I have to kill to have the hellish day over with. Let me explain...

Last night I went to the Models with my ex boyfriend.  It sounds stupid calling him my ex boyfriend when he is 60, so not unlike my last blog, lets call him the Squeeze.  We had dinner.  Chatter followed; some light banter...  It was fun.  I already knew I was with him when he was because he is safe; even if he is the jerk who blamed our break up on me... But I regress...

He dropped me off and I got out of the car with a sweetness and light "good night!" and it was over!  And I realised that it was too cold to do any romance.  I just wanted to go to bed after a great night out!

Okay; we could have had sex. I thought about it, but when push comes to shove I want a real relationship; not one that is convenient to him.  So I guess I have to give up for a while I think, even if I leave my profile up on rsvp.

Makes me wonder if more of my list of 'changed', due to brain damage, has another scored another one.

Sex.

The Models!

Tonight, I went to see the old 80s band, the Models.  They were fantastic.  A blast from the past!

I'm not that brain damaged!  There were a couple of hundred people there who all thought the same!

Sean Kelly

Hey! Welcome...

Welcome to Post number one of the blog!

I have a blog languishing out there in neverland.  In fact, I have a few!  But my old blog, Dating A Hunchback,  I've retired.  To cut a long story short, I used to go out with a guy who continued to read it even after he kicked me to the curb.  Note, he kicked me is not a mistake...

As soon as I started talking to anyone, he'd want me back. Real dog in the manager stuff.  Don't ask because you wouldn't understand it.  Neither do I, but that's that!

So.  A new blog!

I'm Carol.  I'm 53.  Single.  And I have aphasia.
Sounds nice; kind of like a flower!

But similarity to a flower ends there.
It is the name given to a collection of language disorders caused by damage to the brain.

Great.  Brain damaged!  How am I supposed to get around this now!